Oh, daylight savings time in the fall! You were once a beautiful day where we could lay in our soft, stainless, white sheets and sleep an extra hour. We’d get up, casually put on makeup and make our way to brunch with a team of friends who were all looking particularly perky thanks to the bounty that DLS provides us.
Now, as parents, daylight savings time has become this menacing troll hiding in the deep, dark corners of November ready to pounce on any bit of sleep trained, slowly-sip-your-coffee mornings you had. Ever.
While childless people bask in the glory of unlimited mimosas and all the fucking powdered sugar on their artisanal French toast they could possibly imagine, we’re up. And usually NOT just that “extra” hour, but sometimes 2 or 3 more. It is as if children have this diabolical plan across the nation (except for parent-friendly Hawaii, Arizona and Puerto Rico) to ruin any bit of hope of a nice, solid sleep we ever had. They probably do. And that is why we present to you…
The Top 10 Things You Can Do With That Extra Few Hours of Daylight Thanks to Your Kids and Farmers!
- Reheat your cold coffee by putting the brewed coffee back into the water canister and running it again because it’s not strong enough–who the hell is your Mr. Coffee fooling?
- Find all of the pieces of lint your child usually discovers and then consequently hands over to you thanks to her high definition eyesight because you, my darling, are the Queen of Dirt.
- Remember that you forgot stale, wet laundry in the washing machine and rewash it, only to forget again because your child HAS to sit on your lap while she watches Sesame Street. Now you have a science experiment you can use to teach your children how to grow penicillin! Win, win!
- Count how many grey hairs you have since springtime’s daylight savings time. There is a lot on the back of your head you can’t see. Sorry!
- Prepare a story to share at work the next day about the killer night you had the day before DLS and how you didn’t get home until 4am, and THANK GOD for that extra hour of sleep because–wooo!–you’d be really SOL without it. The truth: You discovered and binge-watched the entire Broad City series while eating a pint–and a half–of Halo Top (WHAT?! A pint is only 320 calories!), fell asleep on the couch, awoke with your hands still sticky sweet with caramel at 5:30 AM when your daughter decided she needed an early breakfast.
- Pack lunches for the week by carefully portioning out five individual containers. Then, undo them all when your daughter decides she only wants to eat Cheerios and milk for every meal. EVERY meal.
- Actually do your makeup! And by that, we really mean brush your teeth and slap on some chapstick one-handed while you hold your youngest in your other arm because in the mornings she refuses to stand and would wear you as a coat if she could.
- Forget to feed the dog. Then, remember to feed the dog because she is giving you sad eyes and following you around the house. After she’s gobbled down her bowl of food, discover that your kids already fed her. Twice!
- Head to the grocery store early with the kids because everybody knows you only get the pick of the parking lot and an actual truck cart if you go when no one else is awake! Who cares if you zombie shop? Everyone will love the dry cereal and steamed spinach for dinner you picked up instead of the rotisserie chicken and rice you actually wrote down on the list your tired eyes didn’t read.
- Get some mindless work done. Like, read the first sentence of the same article about ten times over again before you realize you have the inability to concentrate at this hour. Or, write an email and save it in “draft” so you can read it when your work day starts and thank yourself later for not hitting “send” because the number of typos in that bad boy is downright embarrassing.
Hey, parents! We see you. We raise our double brewed coffee cups to you and salute you in bleary-eyed solidarity. We will figure out new routines, moms and dads! At least, until March.